Maxine Quotes

Maxine is the crabby old woman character created by the New Jersey, USA cartoonist John Wagner for Hallmark cards. Maxine is outspoken on many subjects, sex, work, retirement, political incorrectness etc and, of course, being a woman of a certain age, she says much about the process of growing old. She is the perfect mouthpiece for wrinkinsults.which is a humorous take on the aging process where body bits, including the brain, droop or fail to work without assistance. In this respect knotted hankerchiefs, spectacles, hearing aids, boob jobs and Viagara have something in common. Maxine is also the epitome of a curmudgeon

Just as I do with my birthday greetings rhymes, John sometimes borrows concepts and phrases already out there, the work of that famous pen-smith Author Unknown.

This is John with his character

You're how old?

That's gotta hurt

Well into later years you can have

A healthy sex life, if blessed

. And provided, of course you can stand

The sight of people your age undressed

Butt jiggle is just my little way of...Waving goodbye!

How do you prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out!

At my age I don't take naps outdoors. People start breaking out shovels

Getting older is like visiting an all-you-can-eat buffet.

What should be hot is cold.

What should be firm is limp,

And the buns are bigger than anything else on the menu

Losing muscle tone

Is, by any standard, bad

It's worse if in muscles

You didn't know you had

You've got enough money

To see you out

Provided that, in popping your clogs,

You don't hang about

Getting over body issues

And avoiding the wrinkles-forming frown

Is like getting over a fear of heights

The trick is not to look down

When you caught a Peeping Tom

Watching you undress.

Did you not call the cops,

Coz he'd suffered enough stress?

If you're reincarnated, pray it's into something

That doesn't go through menopause

And has a body that doesn't laugh

But rather gives you applause

If to alcohol and junk food

You always say No

You won't live forever

It'll just seem so

If with age comes wisdom

To most it sounds

As if this "wisdom" thing

Weighs about 40 pounds

You've always tucked your cell phone in your bra

And it was OK

You can't now hear it coz you're getting deaf

And it's too far away

You now call your boobs your laptop

Coz that's where they are

You've stopped being young and attractive

Being grumpy is easier, by far

Online shopping is OK

But you miss your favourite trait

Fumbling for your checkbook

Making the folk behind wait

In the Winter when you dress warm

Coz it's cold outside and snowing

By the time you get all bundled up

You've forgotten where you were going

When dressing the Christmas tree

And the ornaments droop too far

You get that sinking sort of feeling

That it's time for a new bra